Way To Be

Here's a fun excerpt from a writing assignment we did in Creative Writing class last week. I've been typing up my journal to turn in, which makes for some long hours in front of the keyboard. Add to that a research paper coming up, and I've been basically using all my time lately. Keep in mind that this story is meant to mimic the style of Lorrie Moore's famous short story "How To Be A Writer." Mine is titled "How To Be A Love Machine."

Here goes:

First things first: talk low, talk fast, and say a lot without saying much at all. Before you go out for the night, be sure to check yourself in the mirror at least six or seven times. Ensure your various pieces of bling are clearly visible from two blocks down. If they池e not, stop what you池e doing. Polish, shine, and repeat as necessary, since there痴 a strong correlation between the vibrancy of your jewelry and the number of girls who will look at you. This is key.

If your mom calls, tell her that you池e going on a date. When she asks if the girl is nice, tell her that you池e sure this one is the right one for you. Add just enough sincerity to your voice to make her believe you. When she doesn稚 believe you anyway, say that you池e on the way out the door and end the conversation quickly.

Stop to check yourself in the mirror again. If it is 1982, ensure your perm is sufficiently puffy � somewhere between loofah sponge and cotton candy. If it is 2004, pop your collar and roll up your sleeves. It痴 important to appear casual and unconcerned about most things in life. If you actually do have some sort of strong opinion on current events, this does not have to be a liability. Just make sure the girl is intelligent before springing your opinions on her. Make sure she値l agree with you beforehand, which is not often easy � that痴 why no opinion equals a good opinion. Talk about your car instead. Talk about it often.